As the great femdom validity experiment continues, (more like meanders underneath everything else, but hey,) more still becomes apparent; in part, a byproduct of our environment. While female-led relationships aren’t quite what one would call common, they are moreso in the kinky subculture. But even still, not 24/7. That was something I specifically wanted to explore as part of the greater experiment as a whole. While it’s ongoing, I have a few findings — which likely won’t be encouraging for some.
In short, total-power-exchange relationships don’t work.
Now anyone who grew up in a female-led household (such as myself) is going to balk at that and remain sceptical. I was, too. But remember, this isn’t just about what’s possible — it’s also about what’s healthy. Regardless of sex or gender, a total power exchange relationship quickly becomes fertile ground for abuse. That understanding lies in the very foundation of what makes one mature versus immature. Most traits and behaviours can be classified according to whether they are synonymous with adult accountability or juvenile dependency. Paradoxically, the stereotypical female dominant expresses more juvenile-dependent traits and behaviours — rivalling those of most children! Self-entitlement, required assistance, no accountability, emotional manipulation to have own way, irresponsibility, recklessness, enablement, ignoring social etiquette, self-centredness, arrogance, refusal to share or compromise, use of others’ resources, and dependent upon another for most things.
It really baffled me. Conceptually, the female dominant is in charge, which allows the male submissive to be youthful, child-like and at her mercy. But in reality, practical application seems to fly in the face of theory and the abstract representation of what femdom should be. Over time, it becomes perplexing — and misleading — as to just what real femdom is — or even should be. If the male subs are the ones doing all of the work, providing a framework in which the domme can even function, then the members of that dynamic are seriously fooling themselves as to which direction the power is flowing.
To further my point, a bit of developmental psychology. And a lot of metaphor. Of course, to avoid it being too dry, there will be pirates. (You like pirates, right? Who doesn’t like pirates?)
In order to thrive in the world, we need a stable point from which we can launch ourselves. This is known as the secure base. Children who grow up feeling safe and provided for, whose natural sense of and need for independence is not stifled, but nurtured, will develop an equally healthy need to explore their world — but from a secure vantage. It acts as an emotional tether throughout childhood and young adulthood, allowing them to branch out on their own, but to never feel aimless and drifting. The stability and assurance of home gives them the motivation and drive to tackle new vistas and carve out their niche in the world — no matter how physically far from their homebase they end up. The foundation was solid, which is all that truly matters.
Most of us didn’t have that — especially if we’re kinky. We suffered abuses of power, or confusing lessons about where our boundaries were versus those of others. For many, those boundaries were violated, with the backlash of betrayal haunting us throughout our adulthood. But for most, we were launched without a tether — or a very weak one. So, we said to hell with it all and struck out on our own. (Told you there’d be pirates.) If we ended up with any sort of map at all, it didn’t help us get anywhere we wanted to go. The rigid routes laid down for us by our parents to be followed without question may have sent us so far off course, we’re not even sure how to get back once we realise it, years later. Those of us that sail without a compass, a useless map and a busted rudder are destined to drift through life, being pushed in whatever direction external forces take us, without direction or aim. Not surprisingly, a lot of us end up wrecked, and those that do arrive, are decades later than those who knew where they were headed.
It’s not all doom and gloom. Those of us that are wise catch other ships passing in the night and make alliances, or consolidate resources and travel together, putting faith in the safety of numbers. It may be awhile to that next port of call, so quite a few decide to go poly. But even those undergo mutiny and distress; though, there are those that can work rather swimmingly together for many years. Of course, they tend to have a lot of travelling under their belt, having decided this is best for them personally. But for the purpose of this exercise, we’ll concentrate on those two-person vessels adventuring on the high seas, since a committed monogamous relationship is a lot like sailing the deep blue with no one else but your partner — regardless of whether or not it’s an actual marriage.
Let’s say, like my boyfriend and myself (and hundreds of other kinksters), you were given crap for a map, and it’s taken years to either sever a tether that should’ve been cut years ago, or you’re just now trying to make contact again with dry land in hopes for a (somewhat) pleasant reunion. Either apply, since the bottom line is simple: you’re out there, by yourselves, on some kind of (hopefully) seafaring vessel, with no set destination, and the only thing separating you and the murky depths being the boards beneath your feet. Whether or not they’re sturdy becomes of increasing importance, as you can imagine. In our case, we work to further strengthen our foundation a little bit each day — which isn’t an easy task, when you’ve little to go on. It becomes even more complicated then when the question of who’s in charge is raised. In a female-led relationship, it’s pretty obvious that it’s being captained by the woman; however, the last thing she — or it — needs is a secretly resentful, and angry first mate.
I got to enjoy a few days in the Big Apple for the first time last weekend. It was a fantastic, though short, experience, and one I hope to repeat — for longer — at some point in the future. But there’s something about the east coast — especially the northeastern US that just energises me. D.C., and evidently New England as well. Despite feeling like hell from being sick while I was there, I felt very directed, driven, and calm. But my tolerance for bullshit was extremely low — lower than usual. I was very no-nonsense and didn’t have time, nor patience, for games, manipulations, or anything less than efficiency and productivity. I get that way when I travel anyway, but here, it was taken to the extreme. So, it prompted me to engage in another level of the experiment: the relational aspect. Whether or not the female dominant truly can do, be, and feel however she wants — even to the detriment of the relationship or her partner. After all, so many do. They carry on with little concern as to how their behaviour affects others to the point where it doesn’t register with them before long they’re even being anti-social. Similarly, I reacted in kind by provoking an argument and seeing where it led us. Nowhere good, is the short answer.
My boyfriend and I enjoy a good relationship together; more importantly, we know how to fight. It sounds simple enough, but it isn’t. Very few people actually know how to fight with their partner, and many more avoid confrontation altogether, labouring under the belief that any kind of negativity indicates a relationship isn’t working. The opposite is closer to the truth; all relationships have problems. If they’re not being addressed and aired, they’re being shoved under the rug until the moment when they can all make a very inconvenient, tumultuous reappearance. They never simply disappear; they’re only misplaced for the time being. At first, he was rather surprised — and concerned — by my uncharacteristically provocative, apathetic, and overall inconsiderate demeanour. Then, before long, he confronted me with it. Rather than reacting in kind and addressing the issues as we would normally, I engaged him in a nasty argument, which quickly devolved into a fight, complete with hurling insults with the introduction of emotionally abusive language and behaviours. (In other words, exactly the opposite means of fighting effectively and healthfully with a partner.) It didn’t last long, however. He was able to pinpoint the bizarreness of it all, and I told him soon enough that it had been a blind experiment, and had I informed him ahead of time, well, it wouldn’t've been — which would have greatly reduced its efficacy. He quickly understood, and we were able to return — almost immediately — to normal.
My conclusion had been equally simple: ‘a true female-led relationship, where she has all of the power and leeway to be as childish, rude, inconsiderate, and irresponsible as she feels according to her mood or whim, is not a viable model of relating.’ He blinked, and responded with a kind of commonsensical obviousness: ‘Of course, it doesn’t,’ he said. ‘That’s why it’s fantasy.’
Ahhh, that‘s why it’s fantasy.
I think that’s the key here. In my line of work, we have too much blurring of the line between what is reality, what can be brought into it, fantasy, and what should never be. In fact, many fantasies lose their power once being introduced into reality. Their hold was directly linked to their being forbidden; once that’s removed, their influence diminishes. It’s interesting. Especially when doing phone domination, my mind will occasionally trip up at their need to role-play at the get-go, rather than acknowledge what’s reality and then step into fantasy. Or they’ll ask things which, according to my logical, rational mind, I know — and, quite frankly, they do, too — aren’t even possible. They love to ask if they can do things to me. Of course, my first inclination is to remind them they’re over the phone, and furthermore, we have no relationship. That’s when I have to remember that I’m currently in the role of an object of fantasy. I’m no longer me, and they’re no longer themselves. In removing each other from ourselves, we’ve disowned the things which hold us back. But, as a counselor, I know that’s not always healthy. It can lead to denial patterns, and disowning so much of ourselves that we’re leading fragmented lives. (The very thing I avoid so much in my practise.) So I oftentimes find myself at some odds with that part of my occupation.
But I’ve seen the dangers of fantasy taken to extremes, and brought into reality. There’s an even more fine of a line regarding that and abuse. In the context of non-BDSM and a conventional environment, most things acceptable in BDSM terms are seen as instantly abusive. It’s the lens through which we view everything. It can be tricky, and in some cases, dangerous, to take such a general stance. It has to be case-by-case, or we’ll miss something. And that’s not to say plenty of BDSM practitioners aren’t also horribly abusive. Back to our couples in a total-power-exchange, they’re an excellent case-in-point.
There’s great responsibility and accountability associated with being a dominant, regardless of sex or gender. It’s the submissive that has delivered him or herself into the hands of the capable, willing dominant. It’s his power that’s been given over to the domme; not the other way around. For her to then pretend as if she’s the one who’s doing everything of her own volition is a sham — and somewhat offensive to the submissive. A relationship has to be a team. You have to do things together, in tandem. Make joint decisions, and plan individual things in your life together out as a unit. Where one gets to take the reins and the other is supposed to follow has to be fully negotiated ahead of time with the boundaries set – and respected. For my relationship, money and our business is one of those things that isn’t to be trifled with. We’ve both put a lot into our relationship, and are respectful of each other’s money and earnings. Neither of us, then, can suddenly up and make significant monetary decisions without the other’s knowledge. It’s rude, and breaking an agreed-upon tenet. Now, I know for some men, the thought of their wives spending their hard-earned cash willy-nilly is just the hottest thing ever, but I suggest they read a few paragraphs back regarding fantasy versus reality. Not to mention the few posts I’ve made already regarding the psychological dynamics (and impracticality) of financial domination.
Either way, the very definition of coupledom is teamwork, and if that isn’t at the root of it, you don’t have anything more than an exchange agreement. One partner will grow to abuse their power and the other will feel resentful and long to leave the arrangement as a result. It does not bode for happy times. Now, having come to this conclusion, we were best trying to determine then how to get my needs met as a dominant who enjoys and thrives on having control, as well as his as a submissive craving to be controlled. That led to further negotiation and the laying down of certain new boundaries and the lessening of older ones. It can be fluid, too. Just because things are a certain way at present doesn’t mean they can’t change over time as circumstances do. But for now, being in charge of our life here at home, and the dynamics of the sexual relationship is a good place to start. Just be forewarned, from my own experience, that to cross those lines, and push those boundaries will likely bring about discontent. That is, if the submissive is anything like my boyfriend. Just because a man’s submissive doesn’t at all mean he has to be a pushover or a pussy. Part of the reason why I respect him as I do is for his backbone, strong sense of self, and refusal to be controlled. Well, except by me. Paradoxical, isn’t it? He loves being dominated and controlled by me, but if someone else attempts to do so — they’ll have serious hell to pay. Probably why those who meet him are flabbergasted to learn that he’s actually submissive. He seems almost the opposite. Of course, I, and those who know him well, can’t imagine him as anything but. But that’s neither here nor there.
In summary? Sure, a female-led relationship is possible, but it has to be fully negotiated and its boundaries respected. Underneath it all, the foundation has to be egalitarian with mutual respect and admiration — or it just won’t work. A relationship can’t be only on the terms of one partner. That’s just an exchange arrangement — not a communal relationship, which will, in the end, invite abuse of power and breed resentment. Stereotypically, however, dommes seem to be under the impression that they have a right to use and abuse their submissive partner. They seem to’ve forgotten the origins of the power they wield so casually, and are only snapped back into reality once their partner reclaims it and threatens to end the relationship. Given that these women tended to grow up without a secure base and have severe attachment issues, they’re really stuck in mourning the loss of their idyllic childhood and refuse to grow up and be adults. So they become spoiled princess types and begin relationships with submissive men with deep esteem issues who need to be used and abused by someone. Toxic relationships are formed which can be very damaging to both parties, though it’s most often the submissive that seeks help. It’s not surprising then that these women tend to be those engaging in total power exchange relationships, which, as we’ve already determined, don’t work.
So, if you want to be in a femdom relationship, make sure that its elements are negotiated and there’s mutual respect between both partners underneath it all — or you’ll both be gearing up for the therapist’s couch. Marital, and otherwise. And that’s not counting the domestic violence disputes and potential hours spent in court. Why not bypass the whole depressing thing and do it right?
More on that to come in future blogs.
